Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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