so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
