we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
