Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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