Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
two words...techno handjob
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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