TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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