He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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