His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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