There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
