I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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