Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
