you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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