Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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