I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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