Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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