i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
