My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
