its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
