when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
