I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize