I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
