My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
