I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
