i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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