I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
