Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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