So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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