come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
