How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
