I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize