Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
