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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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