Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
