My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
