Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
