I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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