if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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