I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
