I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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