There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
