They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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