names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
