is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
