I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want to make out with him forever
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
