is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
