the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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