Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
