you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
