bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just blew my weed a kiss
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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