College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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