There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Watching her eat just hurts me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
