at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
