just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
