i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
