my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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