When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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