Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
