"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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