Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
